At crossroads with the odds.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to be hit by a car and wake up in a hospital weeks later, or not at all. 'Cause perhaps that might settle everything in my life, because I can't!

All my life there have been some sort of imbalance, some turbulence and I've tried to balance it, to make everything flow calm and smooth. But I guess I failed. I don't know why I'm typing this. Perhaps to let everything out. I'm filled inside once again. And I find it better to write. This is hypocritical, I know it is. For the reason that I have that very person in my life with whom I claim to share and with whom I do share every bit of me. But not this! Then perhaps I'm not suppose to make that claim.
Or maybe I'm too harsh on myself. But then again, that's how I am. I've always been harsh on myself, and perhaps heavens also choose to rain down their wrath on me, so that I can suffer. Because that's what I love, I love see myself suffer, see my soul burn in pain. Perhaps because I'm in love with pain, and dark and emptiness..

I'm at a point in my life where I want to run away.. Run into wilderness and into some unknown land, a place I've never been in my life to get lost and never to be found. Well this might seem to be a bit of more hypocritical of me because I'm running away from something I love; pain. But honestly I haven't yet asked myself if I truly love it or not. This might be an excuse to endure it while I can't have the strength to balance the imbalance and prefect the imperfections. Because we humans have this basic instinct, sometimes we pretend to love something we can't change.
I want to run into unknown people and listen to their pain and misery. Its not that I love seeing people in pain, no, I'm not a sadist but I really love listening to people. It helps them lessen their share of burden they bear of this heavenly wrath..

My Celestial Affair

It's been a while we haven't met,

You're annoyed and that I bet.

I can't see, 

Yet I can tell,

I can't hear,

Yet I can tell,

'Cause I feel so disconnected,

'Cause I feel so discontented.

Life was ugly and horrible,

and then you came,

all humble and noble.

My heart fell for you,

I saw no one but you,

And hence I fell in love with you,

and then I realized I was loved,

by no one but,

YOU.

Life was beautiful and pretty,

You were so jolly and witty.

It's been a while we haven't met,

But you still love me and that I bet.

I was mean and I walked away,

For time I was lost

and lost my way.

Life is ugly and horrible,

but you're still humble and noble.

I love you; is all I want to say,

trust me I am going to find back my way,

and then everything will be OKAY.

The Angels envied,

because you are my celestial affair,

in love and war,

everything is fair..

My Savior

Something broke inside,

The sound unheard and,

Stayed inside.

Just when I thought

You're the refuge I sought.

Right then it struck,

Straight at heart

and it hurts.

Something broke inside,

The sound unheard and, 

Never went outside.

Just when I realized,

You're the one I idolized.

Right then it fell,

All your might from the hell.

I burned in despair that night,

While my underworld once again,

unleashed my demons with all its might.

Once again I watched my world burn,

My people incinerate,

But I will never learn.

This is not what I asked for,

A bit of solace in the midst of chaos,

was, I believe, to much to ask for.

Fantasy

A piece of heart, a song of sentiments, a cherish divine, that’s what fantasy is..

Me? I didn’t know it until today..

Words soothing like a balm struck my ears, entered my soul, tended to my wounds..

Life can bring a moment this sweet, I never knew..

My imaginations have always run wild, my words have always casted magic but a day might come when I’ll be mesmerized, I never knew..

Being someone’s possession can seem so right, being under that person can seem so right, hearing him scold me as if I mattered can elicit such delight.. I never knew

Falling in love with the person least expected could feel so right.. I never knew

A mere vision can become my dream, my dream can become my craving, my craving can become my bittersweet obsession, my obsession can finally become MY possession..

I..

Never..

Knew..

I opened my eyes as I felt the breeze strike my hair.. when and how did I reach that place and where was I were among the millions of questions that started buzzing through my head.. but I wasn’t at fault here for what my eyes saw was just too mesmerizing to remain sane anymore..

Always heard about topaz and its beauty but what it actually looked like I didn’t know, until that day when I finally saw it in the most unusual form ever,

As flowers..

How the willow put up a great show with its leaf dance I had always heard in stories from my granny , watchd in movies but what the dance actually looked like when live, I didn’t know until that day…

.. words cannot describe that beauty..

How the hummingbirds chirp.. how they flap their beautiful wings while marching with the waves in air , how innocent yet dynamic they look when they swing around in the motions of the wind I didn’t know until that one fated day..

Epic..

The fine chillness, the ethereal fragrance, the gentle breeze and all was but the beginning of the charade of surprises that had begun.. I felt my hair swing, my hands lifted to feel them..

Soft as silk..

Mine had always been on the borderline line between fine and coarse.. Never had my hair slipped so smoothly between my fingers before..

Surprise!

My eyes widened further when I estimated their length.. About just a moment ago I had them finely set till my shoulders but now they were longer, at least twice the previous length..

Odd!

What’s happening? I thought while cupping my face when I felt my skin soft as the dove’s fine feathers and  hands smooth as a toddler’s…was I so before?

Never!

In utmost daze I looked down at myself when I noticed one further development, my uniform was gone.. 

What I donned was no longer there and had been replaced by a shining peach colored gown.. 

Shock!

The wind blew and my hair danced while teasing my face.. I slid them aside and looked up in awe at the giant willow tree which I had longed to see throughout my life.. The leaves waved at me as if displaying a welcome.. I was lost in that splendor..

“I told you life is like a fairytale.. At some point you will realize it.. But if you stop believing in its eternity once you cease the moment, u will never even have a chance of having an encounter with it’s enchantment, and that’s, where you get hopeless.. I said that didn’t I?”

A voice echoed from behind me..

Jumping out of my bemusement I turned around..

The air gushed, the falling leaves danced around him, the birds sung a melody never heard before.

A person least expected had come out of nowhere and stood there in front of me. The lean tall profile with black lustrous hair slowly waltzing along the breeze, eyes big wide and deep blue as a calm ocean. A masculine tan face with a gentle smile put on. A forehead band made of gold tied at one end of the head restraining his beautiful hair from flying about freely with air.

Dressed in white so suited to his purity and a match of blue cape defining his magnanimity.

How could he be standing right in front of me now? And here of all the places?

Wait! What exactly is here?

Where am I?

How did I reach here?

Wasn’t I standing in front of my college a while ago ready to cross over?

Alarm struck!!!!!

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Wail

When words get locked inside and demons are locked deep down the underworld with no way out of their misery, they bang the doors and smash the walls inside but all go in vain. 
Behind every smashed wall there is a wall till eternity. They cry in pain, sob in agony but the walls and doors won't let it all out for sure. They go unheard and unanswered. And then finally they give up and wait, they hear the world outside singing, dancing and playing. Happiness coming and smashing with those lofty wall and go away.
And when the fire of the underworld boil that dungeon they all choke and bite the dust, they die and rot, spreading the plague across the underworld and beyond. Sucking away all the life and turning everything stone cold with no soul. 
They're finally free...

A lost day on a lost battle ground

Some days are good, others are real bad.

Times when the inside is filled and you can't even cry the hell out. Times when you're shown the light in dark when you can't even see and all of a sudden that light is gone. Times when you are too busy fighting yourself and your problems all alone and don't even have anyone by your side 'cause you don't want anyone and you simply can't afford having anyone on your side just because you forgot to trust and right at that moment new problems step in to add the trouble.
Time like these are shitty times, totally screwed up.
The problems I have, are the problems I created. They are the demons I have awakened from my underworld. They revamp my heavens and storm my gardens, they are ferocious and ruthless, they are strong and powerful. I fight a lost battle with them and every time I try to land a punch on their face I miss and they retaliate harder than ever. I don't know what to do with them, they won't just go away and leave me alone. They'll be there and haunt me and like an abused child I will keep it to myself. I'm way too scared to tell the world and lend a helping hand for myself, like an ego-ist I will keep it to myself and fight it myself though I know I won't be able to beat them but what choice do I have. That's what I am, I can run, I can hide but my ego won't allow me to do that so I won't run, I won't hide, not even for good of my own will I let go of my doomed world rather I'll stay and fight and that's what I'd pay for, perhaps for eternity.

A Rebellious Servant

There's always been a struggle going on inside of me; a struggle between what is right and what is not. A struggle always defying my will, stirring the inside of me with chaos and unrest, leaving me stranded.
A war that has always torn the inside world of mine apart and I couldn't do anything but watch the flames eat away my homes and smoke engulfing me. I was lost in that smoke, I was burned to death in those flames. But I opened my eyes and I saw I was still in those flames burning in agony while death never came to rescue.
I prayed, I cried, I begged for all this to over but all in vain. For at times I felt like defying HIM and HIS will for what's my will was surely HIS's and at times I did defy HIM, HIS words, HIS commands. I rebelled against HIM for a reason. HE wished me defy HIM, HE wanted me to rebel against HIM. But that rebellion was the cause of war inside, the mutiny against HIM fueled the flames of agony and despair. If that's what HE wants then I am all at HIS service, a rebellious servant to my LORD and I shall endure the pain, so is the universal tradition of all GOD-ly affairs.