At crossroads with the odds.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to be hit by a car and wake up in a hospital weeks later, or not at all. 'Cause perhaps that might settle everything in my life, because I can't!

All my life there have been some sort of imbalance, some turbulence and I've tried to balance it, to make everything flow calm and smooth. But I guess I failed. I don't know why I'm typing this. Perhaps to let everything out. I'm filled inside once again. And I find it better to write. This is hypocritical, I know it is. For the reason that I have that very person in my life with whom I claim to share and with whom I do share every bit of me. But not this! Then perhaps I'm not suppose to make that claim.
Or maybe I'm too harsh on myself. But then again, that's how I am. I've always been harsh on myself, and perhaps heavens also choose to rain down their wrath on me, so that I can suffer. Because that's what I love, I love see myself suffer, see my soul burn in pain. Perhaps because I'm in love with pain, and dark and emptiness..

I'm at a point in my life where I want to run away.. Run into wilderness and into some unknown land, a place I've never been in my life to get lost and never to be found. Well this might seem to be a bit of more hypocritical of me because I'm running away from something I love; pain. But honestly I haven't yet asked myself if I truly love it or not. This might be an excuse to endure it while I can't have the strength to balance the imbalance and prefect the imperfections. Because we humans have this basic instinct, sometimes we pretend to love something we can't change.
I want to run into unknown people and listen to their pain and misery. Its not that I love seeing people in pain, no, I'm not a sadist but I really love listening to people. It helps them lessen their share of burden they bear of this heavenly wrath..

My Celestial Affair

It's been a while we haven't met,

You're annoyed and that I bet.

I can't see, 

Yet I can tell,

I can't hear,

Yet I can tell,

'Cause I feel so disconnected,

'Cause I feel so discontented.

Life was ugly and horrible,

and then you came,

all humble and noble.

My heart fell for you,

I saw no one but you,

And hence I fell in love with you,

and then I realized I was loved,

by no one but,

YOU.

Life was beautiful and pretty,

You were so jolly and witty.

It's been a while we haven't met,

But you still love me and that I bet.

I was mean and I walked away,

For time I was lost

and lost my way.

Life is ugly and horrible,

but you're still humble and noble.

I love you; is all I want to say,

trust me I am going to find back my way,

and then everything will be OKAY.

The Angels envied,

because you are my celestial affair,

in love and war,

everything is fair..

My Savior

Something broke inside,

The sound unheard and,

Stayed inside.

Just when I thought

You're the refuge I sought.

Right then it struck,

Straight at heart

and it hurts.

Something broke inside,

The sound unheard and, 

Never went outside.

Just when I realized,

You're the one I idolized.

Right then it fell,

All your might from the hell.

I burned in despair that night,

While my underworld once again,

unleashed my demons with all its might.

Once again I watched my world burn,

My people incinerate,

But I will never learn.

This is not what I asked for,

A bit of solace in the midst of chaos,

was, I believe, to much to ask for.